Unload

The graphic at the top is a reminder to me today, I have a lot on my mind - a lot to unload.

I didn't realize it's been a week since I last posted. I'm taking a vacation day of sorts today - most of my students have cancelled their lessons this week due to spring break. I did have a couple from a homeschooling family that was to come today, but they came down with some intestinal crud that is keeping them home. My only student today will be my online student. So I've decided to run with the lack of schedule and just relax - I don't even have to cook because I have enough left-overs that we need to eat. I'll get to all the important stuff today, just in my own time.

The weather on Sunday was GORGEOUS! I took Suki for a walk and wore only a light sweater and the neighbors were outside shoveling their deck so they could uncover and use their grill.
Notice the deck handrail and the black spot in front of him is the grill...he's digging down to it.

Almost done - note The Little Turquoise House in the background. You can't see us, but Hubby and I were actually watching them from the window.

Today it's dark, with a cold wind/rain going on. We're supposed to get snow on Friday with a possibility of 8-10 inches. I just hope they're wrong.

One of our local music teachers has been recovering in the nursing home from hip surgery for many months now and it was finally determined by her family that she will need to move into assisted living this week. I understand she is planning on continuing to teach some students, but is giving away most of her music and lesson materials to the rest of us teachers who might be able to use it. I went to her home yesterday to look through the 8 large boxes of music while the family was busy moving furniture. I thought it would take about an hour - two hours later I had to finally just throw in a handful of sheet music to be sorted through at home. I brought home one box...FULL.

Though I'm not very "close" to this fellow teacher, it still makes me sad to think she is at this point in her life already - maybe because she is not the only one I see around me that is "getting old" and failing before my eyes. My dear friend/teacher Gordon who is dealing with cancer, my friend Jeannie from the scrapbook store who has taught me so much about scrapbooking and cardmaking is facing depression while trying to heal from her fall and my mentor who has his own set of physical issues and depression - I've watched him age 10-15 years in one and it is breaking my heart. It's difficult to think that I'm entering this stage of life and I find myself kicking and screaming like mad.

Now we've finally come to the heart of the matter. As I've said in recent posts, we are trying to plan a recital to be played on our "new" organ at church. The idea is to showcase the new organ and rejoice in it's arrival. We wanted to have a "dedication" but that seems to disturb the Pastor for whatever reason, so I've about nixed that idea except to say it will still be a dedication in my heart and mind no matter what is publically said or done. The idea was conceived in October, but since then I have felt a general lack of support from those involved. I knew something was really wrong the last couple of times I had mentioned it and I didn't know what to do or say or how to clear the air. One of you said that if I was supposed to talk about it, the right time would come. I'm here to tell you I took that advice to heart - I waited and decided when I went to practice yesterday that I wouldn't mention it at all and if he did then that was fine.

He did.

He opened up and unloaded everything I had feared was brewing inside of him the last few weeks. He told me about everything that has been on his mind, much of which is not music related but important in his life now. He told me about the nightmares he's been having, one of them having to do directly with the recital which tells me this is really eating away at him. He told me he isn't a "recital person" which I knew...neither am I so I get it. I understood everything; I wasn't surprised at anything he said and I think I handled the situation well - which does surprise me. I told him I if we did this I wanted us to be able to...maybe not "enjoy ourselves" but at least find joy in our efforts, that the last thing I wanted was for this to become yet another burden for him to carry. He sort of flippantly said "maybe in the fall", then changed the subject. I later brought it back and asked him directly if he thought he would genuinely feel better about doing it in the fall and I watched him consider it, then he honestly said he didn't know. I told him part of me wants to just do it now and get it over with while the other part of me is fine to wait and even happy to wait if it means him being more comfortable.  We decided to wait before saying anything to anyone else (except I told Hubby) and that we would think about it this week and pray about it and he'd let me know. I'm not going to mention it next week, I will once again let him if he feels ready to discuss it again. In the meantime I'm trying to prepare myself for him to back out completely. Hubby really wants me to do this recital - I don't know if I can do it alone, I know I don't want to.

We also talked about his upcoming retirement in a year which is also heavy on his mind.
He is looking forward to it and wants to "freelance" - being able to continue to practice, play the organ when it is needed/wanted and substituting for other organists when asked. He's afraid though that once he retires, the church will find less and less use for the organ (already starting) and he'll be putting his organ shoes away for good.

If that were to happen, the organ would fall into disrepair. It is 20 years now since it's rebuild and already has some needs that should be addressed, but efforts to get help up here have failed and expenses are mounting. 

The thought of that possibility - of no longer climbing these steps with heart pounding anticipation, 

of looking up in amazement into the organ, 

                        of spending hours filling this room with music - just breaks my heart.

I struggle to stay positive, to enjoy the time I have there however long/short it may be - because I don't want to waste this time bemoaning what might happen. I'm trying to come to peace with the fact that no situation is permanent and all good things must come to an end at some point and to be grateful (which I am) for all I have learned, experienced, and felt here. It truly is a rare opportunity that I have had and I am beyond grateful for having been chosen for such a gift. 

Prayerfully yours~