Rebounding

I think it best to start with a bit of a recap of the last few weeks. About a month ago now I came down with my first illness of the season; the worst sore throat and swollen glands I can ever remember having. Without insurance I'm not one to call the Dr. at every little sniffle but after 3 days of that kind of pain, it was time. He said it wasn't strep but rather an infection in my glands. He prescribed an antibiotic and prednisone. After a few days the sore throat and swollen glands all went away and all seemed well. Shortly after that a stiff neck made an appearance. Stiffness and tenderness has been a part of my  life for quite a few years now so this wasn't too surprising but normally I can visit my massage therapist, chiropractor or even work on it enough myself to get it to loosen but not this time. Two chiropractor visits and a massage did loosen it enough so I could drive without endangering my life but I just felt like something wasn't right especially when I started needing a nap every day after lunch! I finally gave in to making an appt. with my MD thinking maybe that infection took up residence in my neck somehow? Grasping at straws at this point. MD asked all the questions, felt around a bit then decided to take 3 vials of blood for testing thinking perhaps mononucleosis. WHAT?? MD said it was very rare in an adult my age, but wanted to check and felt it best so not to miss anything else. MD never said what else they were checking for and I didn't have time to ask but when I got home I looked everything up and liver and kidney were included also blood sugar. The wait was a bit disconcerting but the call came the next day and everything was normal. Well...good, but what's next? I'm to finish the prednisone which will be finished tomorrow and if I'm not better call back...as if I can afford to after an unplanned blood draw to pay for. I am feeling better but I'm still concerned that now I'm finished with the meds I'll be back to square one. I keep working on my neck with hot/cold therapy, my theracane and just plain stretches. It feels like it gets looser, but the pain is still there when I get it in certain positions....like head down. Strange. 

It's been an awful winter what with all the drama at church, businesses in trouble and just plain winter. One of the things that came to light this winter was the unofficial diagnosis of fibromyalgia. My chiropractor firmly believes I have it and after his own assessment, my MD said he agrees. 

I've been thinking and praying about some of the changes I'm going to need to be making. In our ladies Bible study we started this week in Joshua. I read about the ark of the covenant and it was obvious how important it was that the ark go before them as they began their journey. When priests stepped into the water of the Jordan while holding the ark, the waters were gathered up and the way made clear. Lesson for us? When we allow God to go ahead of us He leads the way, clears the path, makes clear the path we should take. 

I've been praying so much about how I've been feeling and it's so interesting how the Lord has begun to show me one thing and then another about how to fix me. 

I knew I was going to have to be intentional and diligent if I'm going to feel like myself again. This week I put my crown straight on my head and jumped in with both feet....literally.

In my research regarding what possible things can be wrong with me one of the things that I noticed was the lymph system. Well, that made sense seeing as how I had that infection in the lymph glands of my neck. 

I've just been feeling so 

                                                              CLOGGED...like everything is just stopped up and/or stuck. The best way I can describe it is I feel like a sopping wet dish rag that needs a good twisting ring out. So what to do for it? Well besides the usual, drink lots of water, eat healthy food, exercise, one of the things was  

rebounding. 

In my day we called it jumping on a trampoline...now it has a fancy name....rebounding. I have a mini tramp so I decided to drag it out. I had forgotten how fun it is to just jump up and down and let everything jiggle. It's important to shake, rattle and roll and just let everything hang loose and floppy, even the girls shouldn't be too restrained...so that's what I did. It did feel good like things were just getting shaken up in a good way. I also discovered it's good for balance work...good thing I had the presence of mind to put a chair next to the tramp...just in case I needed it....and I did...but not much which was encouraging. 

In addition to rebounding, 

dry brushing 

helps shed dead skin cells (and encourages new cell renewal), which results in smoother and brighter skin. More importantly for me, it assists in improving vascular blood circulation and lymphatic drainage. I added dry brushing to my list. 

Last year I did something very unusual for me. I enrolled in some summer Tai Chi classes. I found them to be good exercise and great for stress release but with my teaching schedule I couldn't continue during the winter months. Whether by coincidence or divine appointment my schedule opened up just as my teacher was advertising her next class series. I don't have much money to spend on myself right now, but I just couldn't pass this up so I signed up for 



Tai Chi 

and I had my first class this week. AMAZING! I'm still not quite sure why I connect so much to this form of exercise, but I just want to learn more and more and it makes me just feel good. Tai Chi is all about 

alignment; 
head, 
neck and 
spine, 
but also the alignment of 
mind, 
body and 
spirit, 

also balance and 


breathing 

which brings me to my next point. 

Several weeks ago the Lord has been nudging me to start singing in the church choir again. I'm a choir member from like forever. I joined school choir at the tender age of 9 and never left. I also joined my church youth choir and toured with both them and my high school choir for three years each. I was also in two ensembles at school and one at church. During my high school years I was doing so much singing my father saw to it that I take some voice lessons. When I went to college I joined up there too and traveled on tour with them as well and took some more voice lessons on the side. When we moved to our current home I joined the church choir but having young children at home I found the practices and commitment difficult, especially since I was playing the piano on occasion and learning the organ. I quit and hadn't gone back until this week. I went in very hesitantly. I don't sing anymore...haven't in years. I don't sing in church anymore because I'm playing the organ and reading three lines of music is enough to keep me busy, trying to focus on words and breathing just puts me over the top! I even stopped singing around the house for some unknown reason. It took me some time to remember how to breathe. I mean...I'm alive, so I breathe but singing breath is different...full, from the diaphragm. My mind knew what to do but my body wasn't getting the message. It took several weeks and probably some of the other techniques I'm discussing here to get to the point where I felt like I was doing it correctly. I actually finally felt it come back in church today...while singing. I suddenly could just

breathe.  



Singing 

can have some of the same effects as exercise, like the release of endorphins, which give the singer an overall "lifted" feeling and are associated with stress reduction. ... And singing necessitates deep breathing, another anxiety reducer. Not to mention the act of singing with a group gives a sense of belonging, community and unity. 

One of your blogs that I've begun following is entitled "Just Breathe". That's so important and so true. I have to take it a step further though...I have relearned how to deep breathe. Just breathing isn't enough, it has to be deep and full and with intention. For the first time today I am feeling the healing effects of full deep breaths. I actually read somewhere recently that people with fibromyalgia are usually shallow breathers. Interesting. 

Interesting too that one of the hymns I've been practicing on the organ this week is O For A Thousand Tongues to Sing which has these words: 

Jesus the name that charms our fears, that bids our sorrows cease, 'tis music in the sinner's ears, 'tis life and health and peace. 

Spring arrived this week! 
I'm pretty sure this time. 

I ventured out one day at noon and enjoyed my lunch on the front steps. I still have the rosy cheeks to prove it. The sun bouncing off the snowbanks is quite intense but oh I sure needed that 

sunshine...

it went all the way to my aching bones. So healing. I can't wait to be able to walk barefoot through green grass again. Did you know that has a fancy name now too? YUP...

Grounding, or earthing, 

refers to connecting electrically with the Earth. A growing body of research is finding numerous health benefits as a result of the physical body being grounded.

Ok, so where am I going with all this? 

Whether my condition is the result of an infection or the effects of fibromyalgia I am seeing that I'm being led to stress reducing activities which tells me perhaps this is mostly a stress issue that could be compounded by the infection and fibro. 

I don't know which of these activities is helping me...maybe it's a team effort but I'm starting to feel better. I feel like when I stretch the stretch actually goes somewhere...it's no longer quite so stuck. Don't get me wrong...I still have a very long way to go, but at least I feel like I'm on my way and I'm praising

God 
for His guidance as He has gone before me, 

leading the way. 

Unload

The graphic at the top is a reminder to me today, I have a lot on my mind - a lot to unload.

I didn't realize it's been a week since I last posted. I'm taking a vacation day of sorts today - most of my students have cancelled their lessons this week due to spring break. I did have a couple from a homeschooling family that was to come today, but they came down with some intestinal crud that is keeping them home. My only student today will be my online student. So I've decided to run with the lack of schedule and just relax - I don't even have to cook because I have enough left-overs that we need to eat. I'll get to all the important stuff today, just in my own time.

The weather on Sunday was GORGEOUS! I took Suki for a walk and wore only a light sweater and the neighbors were outside shoveling their deck so they could uncover and use their grill.
Notice the deck handrail and the black spot in front of him is the grill...he's digging down to it.

Almost done - note The Little Turquoise House in the background. You can't see us, but Hubby and I were actually watching them from the window.

Today it's dark, with a cold wind/rain going on. We're supposed to get snow on Friday with a possibility of 8-10 inches. I just hope they're wrong.

One of our local music teachers has been recovering in the nursing home from hip surgery for many months now and it was finally determined by her family that she will need to move into assisted living this week. I understand she is planning on continuing to teach some students, but is giving away most of her music and lesson materials to the rest of us teachers who might be able to use it. I went to her home yesterday to look through the 8 large boxes of music while the family was busy moving furniture. I thought it would take about an hour - two hours later I had to finally just throw in a handful of sheet music to be sorted through at home. I brought home one box...FULL.

Though I'm not very "close" to this fellow teacher, it still makes me sad to think she is at this point in her life already - maybe because she is not the only one I see around me that is "getting old" and failing before my eyes. My dear friend/teacher Gordon who is dealing with cancer, my friend Jeannie from the scrapbook store who has taught me so much about scrapbooking and cardmaking is facing depression while trying to heal from her fall and my mentor who has his own set of physical issues and depression - I've watched him age 10-15 years in one and it is breaking my heart. It's difficult to think that I'm entering this stage of life and I find myself kicking and screaming like mad.

Now we've finally come to the heart of the matter. As I've said in recent posts, we are trying to plan a recital to be played on our "new" organ at church. The idea is to showcase the new organ and rejoice in it's arrival. We wanted to have a "dedication" but that seems to disturb the Pastor for whatever reason, so I've about nixed that idea except to say it will still be a dedication in my heart and mind no matter what is publically said or done. The idea was conceived in October, but since then I have felt a general lack of support from those involved. I knew something was really wrong the last couple of times I had mentioned it and I didn't know what to do or say or how to clear the air. One of you said that if I was supposed to talk about it, the right time would come. I'm here to tell you I took that advice to heart - I waited and decided when I went to practice yesterday that I wouldn't mention it at all and if he did then that was fine.

He did.

He opened up and unloaded everything I had feared was brewing inside of him the last few weeks. He told me about everything that has been on his mind, much of which is not music related but important in his life now. He told me about the nightmares he's been having, one of them having to do directly with the recital which tells me this is really eating away at him. He told me he isn't a "recital person" which I knew...neither am I so I get it. I understood everything; I wasn't surprised at anything he said and I think I handled the situation well - which does surprise me. I told him I if we did this I wanted us to be able to...maybe not "enjoy ourselves" but at least find joy in our efforts, that the last thing I wanted was for this to become yet another burden for him to carry. He sort of flippantly said "maybe in the fall", then changed the subject. I later brought it back and asked him directly if he thought he would genuinely feel better about doing it in the fall and I watched him consider it, then he honestly said he didn't know. I told him part of me wants to just do it now and get it over with while the other part of me is fine to wait and even happy to wait if it means him being more comfortable.  We decided to wait before saying anything to anyone else (except I told Hubby) and that we would think about it this week and pray about it and he'd let me know. I'm not going to mention it next week, I will once again let him if he feels ready to discuss it again. In the meantime I'm trying to prepare myself for him to back out completely. Hubby really wants me to do this recital - I don't know if I can do it alone, I know I don't want to.

We also talked about his upcoming retirement in a year which is also heavy on his mind.
He is looking forward to it and wants to "freelance" - being able to continue to practice, play the organ when it is needed/wanted and substituting for other organists when asked. He's afraid though that once he retires, the church will find less and less use for the organ (already starting) and he'll be putting his organ shoes away for good.

If that were to happen, the organ would fall into disrepair. It is 20 years now since it's rebuild and already has some needs that should be addressed, but efforts to get help up here have failed and expenses are mounting. 

The thought of that possibility - of no longer climbing these steps with heart pounding anticipation, 

of looking up in amazement into the organ, 

                        of spending hours filling this room with music - just breaks my heart.

I struggle to stay positive, to enjoy the time I have there however long/short it may be - because I don't want to waste this time bemoaning what might happen. I'm trying to come to peace with the fact that no situation is permanent and all good things must come to an end at some point and to be grateful (which I am) for all I have learned, experienced, and felt here. It truly is a rare opportunity that I have had and I am beyond grateful for having been chosen for such a gift. 

Prayerfully yours~ 

Spring....

64 days until spring...I didn't count them up, I'm taking their word for it. It can't come soon enough for me, though I have a lot to accomplish yet before it arrives. This year I'm trying very hard to live a more disciplined life. I'm doing better. I can actually say this evening that today I have not eaten anything not in my eating plan and I accomplished all my disciplines...exercise, general housekeeping, time in the Word, a little bit of practice. I was still online more than I should have been and could have spent that time making cards or reading. I can do better.

64 days until spring...our pastor has a new saying..."winter ruins everything." Yes, it's a bit negative, but probably true.

64 days until spring. Winters here are dark and long and lonely. It seems people disappear...like me, they hold up in their homes and don't go out unless necessary. Winter here is a time to just manage. Don't try to do much other than sit by the fire and read.

Energies are sapped just trying to get through each day with shoveling, maintenance, grocery shopping and food preparation. Just do the basics...the necessities, and then do it all again the next day...just manage...just survive...just get through until the sun shines again.

My car doesn't like the cold, it's no longer dependable, so I'm home even more than usual. I didn't get to practice today because of that and because of a slight schedule change. Tomorrow....tomorrow is supposed to be warmer and my schedule is lighter so I'm trying for tomorrow. The church will be very cold, but I'll dress warm.

64 days until spring. I'm planning the organ recital/dedication. Mentor and I discussed it on Monday...a little. I kinda have to give him big plans in small doses, we need time to process. Asking either of us to do anything big during the winter is just asking too much. It's winter...just the basics...the necessities. In a couple of weeks I'll ask him to help me decide on some music as winter or not, I need to get practicing on it. I'm hoping to schedule it for May.

64 days until spring... Easter! I have to find and learn music for Easter!

64 days until spring. I have a student recital to plan...for June. I have a senior graduate this year, so it has to be extra special and that's going to take some extra planning. I'm going to have her begin and end the program as well as play several other pieces in between the other recitalists. At the end, following awards and announcements I'm going to announce her encore, then I will join her at the piano and we'll play a duet on Pomp and Circumstance...then I'll probably cry...she's been with me since she was little.

64 days until spring. Hubby is trying to refinance the business loan. We hope to know something soon - if we can't get the loan, we'll have to sell....then what? Only God knows. It's hard to trust sometimes, but I'm trying. Everything is harder to do in the winter.

64 days until spring. I've been making cards - it keeps me busy (as if I needed to be busier) and I promised to make them for the church. I'm supposed to be making thank you cards tonight, but I felt like blogging and I haven't felt like blogging in a while now. I caught up with all my friends here...some I commented on and others I didn't...I'm sorry...I did read though and I've been thinking about you all.

64 days until spring...Sun on my face, grass between my toes, hanging clothes on the line, garden soil on my hands, birds. Maybe this heaviness in my heart will lighten some, then. Of course you all realize that "spring" is only a date on the calendar. Spring arrives here when it's ready and long after it does everywhere else. But it will come.

64 days until spring....OOPS!! According to this site: countdown - it's only 63 days!!! SEE!! It will be here before we know it!!