Who Am I ??

Entry for December 03, 2006 Who Am I ??

Dec 3, '06 12:41 AM for Julie's contacts

Seriously!! I don't recognize myself at all today! I don't know who borrowed my body and went to church this morning, but it wasn't me! Two things happened at church today and my reactions to both of them were totally opposite from anything I have ever done in the past.

First, I was just getting settled in at the organ for my quick practice before church, when the Sunday School superintendant comes in to tell me the SS will be needing the sanctuary to practice for their Christmas program. Because of my mother's accident and my busy schedule I have been unable to get in any practice all week, and everything I had planned to play this morning needed at least a registration check since the organ seems to make it's own adjustments from week to week. Normally I would have just said "ok", taken my music and studied it away from the instrument and hoped for the best as far as registration, I would have NEVER have shown how I felt. I don't know if it's because I'm so exhausted today, or because of the emotional stress I've been under lately or both, but suddenly I found myself showing outward signs of what was going on inside of me. I looked at her square in the eye and very firmly (and somewhat sarcastically) said "today?" . She said yes and went on to explain the situation. I said "ok", but my body language and the sound of my voice (though it wasn't at all loud) told her it was anything but ok. She looked at me like I was a different person, there was a tension in the room and suddenly I realized I had put it there. It was WEIRD! I have never felt that before! My reasons for being angry are not simply because the SS needed the room, but that in the past this same person came down hard on me for one similar instance, and yet it is done to me time and time again. No warnings, no notices, just changes that I'm supposed to just "go with". As the years go by instead of gaining more respect I feel as though I am taken more and more advantage of. She then left the room and I got busy as quickly as I could knowing I had only a few precious moments to check registrations. A few moments later she came back in the room with a two week warning. She said they would practice in another room today and next week, but that the week following they would have to use the sanctuary. This I can work with, though I will have to go over some afternoon and freeze my fingers off while practicing in an unheated room long enough to prepare for the big celebration on the 24th. She asked if I would need the hymn numbers for the 24th in advance. I said "well it would certainly help". She said she would do what she could, yet I won't be at all surprised if "advance" to her means the night before when it's too late to get to the organ to do anything about them.

If that wasn't enough, the time came in our service where we always sing the Doxology. It comes right after we have collected the offering and it's the same every week. Today I have no idea what happened, but I started the thing off in the wrong key. Being as musically challanged as I am, I couldn't for the life of me get it back on track. It was so bad the congregation dropped out! This kind of thing would normally send me into a whirlwind of panic. I waited for the usual physical signs to kick in, such as rapid heartbeat, breaking out in a cold sweat, flushed face and uncontrollable shaking of my hands. NOTHING! For some strange reason I was in total control!! I stopped; looked at the song leader and said "let me try that again" in a voice so calm that I didn't even recognize it as my own. Several in the congregation laughed. I was unwavered. I double checked my key and my hand position, took a deep breath and began again. From that point on it was flawless. I still have yet to figure out why I reacted as I did in either situation. I'm not sure I ever will, and who knows if I'll be able to ever do it again. WHO WAS THAT MASKED WOMAN AND WHERE DID SHE COME FROM???